A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.FIRST PLACE The song structure was good but I felt the content of the song was bland and generic.
Since there are thousands of love songs written, a song really needs to have a 'fresh approach" to become commercial. I'll critique as I write.
YOU WOULD LOVE ME SO RIGHT by Andre Kerek Here is a link to the complete song with melody posted on Broadjam.com Once your on the page you'll need to click on the song title.
http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=30620# VERSE 1
You know my mood when we touch
And read my mind way too much
I can't see how it would be
If you weren't here to live with me
CHORUS
Who would I find who is sincere
Someone who would always be here
Keeping me warm into the night
Who would love me so right
You would love me so right
VERSE 2
When times get tough and seem the worst
And I need help, you're there first
You make me lie down next to you
(You're next to me when things go wrong)And bring me up with all that you do
(Cause your love for me is so strong) REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE 3
(I would leave this verse out because it says nothing new)
When I'm in pain, you have the cure
And know how much I can endure
You lead me to the right path
So I won't catch somebody's wrath
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE 4
Looking back thru all the years
We had good times and some tears
This may not sound like a big deal
(Just want you to know how I feel)
Just wanted you to know how I feel
(Cause to me it is a big deal) REPEAT CHORUS
SECOND PLACE
CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL by Paul Zander(I chose this song because of it's catchy title. It could be a good song if written with more conversational lines and less vagueness) CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL VERSE 1
She's got some magic and she's more than able
To mesmerize and break your certain gaze
He thinks of love in rhyme and storied fables
From his collective and unconscious days
MY VERSION
She was his Cinderella on their wedding day
But marriage is not a fairy tale
His expectations of her were too high
When he lifted her bridal veil CHORUS
(I would switch the 3 line chorus, putting the "She's a woman" chorus at the top)(Put this at bottom)
She's not some pretty maiden
No Galatea waiting
She was born to rise and fall (find a better line)
(Put at top)She's a woman
She's just a woman
Cinderella not at all
VERSE 2
Between the battles and that sweet devotion
Sometimes love feels just like a twice-told tale
Can she survive these Grimm and fabled notions
Can she remain the Princess underneath that bridal veil
MY VERSION
Sometimes the glass slipper doesn't fit
And the magic spell is broken
Between her and her Prince Charming
When hurtful words are spoken REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE?
(A bridge is usually not 7 lines long. Why not have a 2 line bridge and a 4th verse)She wants to be his muse
But she don't know what to do
And she has her own tale to be told
Then something quite alarming
He used to be Prince Charming
Now that spell is broken
Cast down by words unspoken
(I'm sorry, but this bridge made no sense to me whatsoever. What's her problem and what did he do?
I thought this song was about his high expectations of her and she couldn't live up to them. Be specific!) REPEAT CHORUS
HONORABLE MENTION EVERYTHING AND YOUby Andre KerekThis is a well written song but so sad. There was another song written on the same subject a few years ago. I just remember in the chorus it said I'll go sky diving.
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