Winter/Spring 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

FINALISTS

The Rider by David McElhinney
Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto
We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker

First Place

The Rider by David McElhinney

This is a very good folk song that reminds me of the old song "Ghost Riders in the Sky". It's a little too long but it tells a good story.

VERSE 1
Alone on the plains, during some real tough days
The widow and her son were trying to make their way
When them bandits showed up, they terrorized those two
Took all their money, their cattle and their food

As they rode off, the boy screamed in a voice like thunder
You'll be sorry come sunset cause you'll all be six feet under
The Rider will come, you just wait and see
Fore morning comes, you'll wish you'd listened to me

He's tall in the saddle, and he has red eyes
Rides a black stallion that's twenty hands high
Shoots golden bullets out of his pistols from hell
The stink of brimstone is all you'll smell

You'll be punished for all the things you stole
The Rider will see that you pay with your soul
Get your affairs in order and get ready for a fight
Cause a reckoning is coming and it's coming tonight

CHORUS
Now the Rider weren't nothing but a campfire tale
Told to boys by men who had too much ale
Bout how he was once a lonely miner slain for his gold
Now he righted wrong is how the story was told

VERSE 2
Now these young thieves had each lived an unruly life
Mean as rattlesnakes, they caused misery and strife
But that very evening, with the moon out of sight
The Rider found their camp, it wasn't much of a fight

He appeared all in black through the midnight plume
And each and every man knew he would seal their doom
They emptied their guns into his body and head
But the Rider stood tall, never winced or bled

He laughed with fury, sending a chill up their spines
His sinister cackle telling them they'd run out of time
The Rider drew and fired, cutting those men to shreds
Then he vanished before the last was dead

Now each bandit was rich with carcasses full of gold
Lot of good it did em' cause now they were cold
Vultures descended on them, like angry bats from hell
Picked their bones clean, 'cept for them golden shells

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
That next morning when the widow got out of bed
Battered and bruised, is how the story was said
Moved slow across the room, her wounds still raw
She looked our the window, couldn't believe what she saw

In the corral, all her cattle was back
Plus six new horses with saddles and tack
Her son ran outside to inspect the herd
He knew the Rider played the part of shepherd (He knew that the Rider always kept his word)

There was also a satchel, full of gold
Enough to sustain them until they was old
There was a note written in blood on the side of that sack (leave out "there was")
It read live right, do good or I'll be back

You won't see tomorrow if the Rider appears
He is the sum of all your worst fears
If you do wrong, you'll meet him, guaranteed
In the frontier, he is the only law you need

See if you can trim it some and still keep the story intact. Also, make sure the meters match up


SECOND PLACE

This is very cleverly written and sure is apropo for today. It sounds like a musical comedy song or perhaps a semi-rapp song. It's a little long...I'd be curious to hear the music to this one

We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker ASCAP, Copyright 2009

The Eddie Becker Band / www.eddiebeckerband.com

We are the banksters, the original gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the old world gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

It ain’t that hard to understand what we do
We go into your country and create a coup
We create the crisis then become your savior
Nobody in the world understands our behavior

We hide it in symbols, hide it in our words
Read the fine print, it’s not that absurd
It’s a pyramid you know and we’re on the top
We’re gonna steal everything and we just can’t stop

We grab all the silver, steal all the gold
We’ll take everything that you want to hold
We’ll take your house and all of your land
Steal all the water and leave you sand

We are the banksters, the Wall Street gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the Federal Reserve gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

Making money out of air as much as we need
Air is cheap and we got a lot of greed
We’ll fix that though just as sure as you breathe
A big fat tax just to make you seethe

Taxation and inflation are both the same
We just jack up the payments, it’s all in the game
Carbon and the Earth are the next big bubble
Profits will soar and our money will double

We steal all the assets, leverage all our bets
What we leave in our wake is a mountain of debts
We buy all the roads, buy all the ports
Move in our troops and harden all our forts

We are the banksters, the World Bank gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the global pranksters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

We meet each year, deep in the woods
Plot how to steal all the rest of your goods
It’s a secret you know, out in full view
And we pay off the Government so they’re part of our crew

We’re going to crash the economy and steal all your wealth
Make new foods that’ll ruin your heath
We’ll take away your car so you can’t go far
Then repossess your home in the name of the Czar

It’s order out of chaos, we create the change
We’ll take that too, we got no shame
There ain’t nothing that’s sacred, it’s all in the game
We’ll do the dirty under anybody’s name

We are the lenders, the changers, the central banks
And we collect our dues with guns and tanks
The banksters, the gangsters, bringing you change
To America the beautiful, yeah, home on the range

VAMP OUT

We are the banksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
The original gangsters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Black Magic pranksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Bringing you the New World…. Yeah, Financial… Disorder
Suckers

THIRD PLACE

Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto

VERSE 1
(This verse is just 4 lines, the other verses are 8 lines. Maybe this could be a lead-in bridge. Otherwise the verses have to match in number of lines)
Seems like when things start to go well
Something always gets in the way
Sometimes I wish for once
It could just be my day

CHORUS
It may sound selfish
But everyone has their moments
(Leave these first 2 lines off)
I wanna live my dream
And live life to it's fullest
I wanna be all I can be
And(leave off And) see all I can see
Make everyone wonder
Why they aren't living life like me
Just for one day!

VERSE 2
Living in someone's shadow
Tends to be my specialty
I get lost in the darkness
But the light finds me occasionally
Stepping out of my comfort zone
Those notice all around me (this doesn't make sense. Don't you mean "those all around me notice")
But my own unique self (Leave off But)
Is what I want others to see. (rewrite these last 2 lines to make it clearer)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
Overcoming my fears
Over powering my thoughts
Overreaching my goals
Which no one had fought (doesn't make sense)
I am becoming myself
No longer lost and confused
Life is gliding real smoothly ("I've gotten so much stronger" is a better line)
And I'm no longer feeling used

CHORUS
(This is a little different than the original chorus. I get what you're trying to do but the choruses should stay the same. Maybe make a bridge that explains his or her makeover)
It's no longer selfish
Everyone has their moments
(Leave out first 2 lines)
I'm living my dream
And living life to it's fullest
I'm being all I can be
And seeing all I can see
Making everyone wonder
Why aren't they living their life like me
One day and all eternity

This song leaves a lot of unanswered questions such as, what happened to make the singer come out of the shadows? It needs a story line because no singer would want to identify with this song. Write it in 3rd person and tell a story about how introverted that person was until she (he) discovered a talent and climbed out of obscurity. As it's written now, it just isn't commercial.

Spring 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

1. Waitress In An All Night Diner by Michael Hollingsworth, LA, CA
2. Gas Food & Lovin' Next Right by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, TX
3. Of Wives & Men by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD
HM It's So Good To Have You Home by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

First Place

WAITRESS IN AN ALL NIGHT DINNER by Michael Hollingsworth

(I'll critique as I type the song. This song has a lot of good
images but I think it would be better if written in 3rd person instead of 1st.
Some singers might not want to be identified as a waitress)

VERSE 1

I's four o'clock in the morning
Time to lipstick my (her) smile
Get the coffee up and perking
I (she) hopes this rain stops in a while
Soon the bacon will be frying
As the trucks come roarin' in
I'll (she'll) tell the boys a joke or two
Just to get them to grin

CHORUS

'Cause I'm (she's) the waitress
In the all night diner
Making tips from the truckers and the miners
I'd (she'd) like to somehow change my (her) life
Be someone's mother, someone's wife
But until the day I (she) do (does)
What can I (she) get for you

VERSE 2

The sun breaks through the rain drops
As the boys start filin' in
Wanting biscuits and gravy
Served by the gal they call a friend
I (she) knows the names of their children
Sweethearts and their wives
They send me (her) cards on my (her) Birthday
Like I'm (she's) part of their lives


REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would make this a bridge because the meters don't match the first
2 verses and you could change it musically)

Oh, my(her) feet ache
And there's the heartbreak
From some old love affair
That showed me (her) love ain't so true (that don't end happily or happier)I
like this line better
Oh, the night's so cold and I (she) feels old
Cause no one's holding me(her)
(I would leave out the next two lines)
There's more to life than working
I'm (she's) a woman who needs holding too

REPEAT CHORUS

2nd Place Winner

GAS, FOOD AND LOVIN' - NEXT RIGHT by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx

I will critique as I type. First of all, I would change the title to Good
Food, Good Lovin' - Next Right. The word GAS isn't relevant to the
story...He's in a hurry to get home and doesn't stop for gas. Also the lines
containing the title should be changed to the new title.


VERSE 1

The sun went (sun's gone) down and I'm roaring down the highway
(So please) Get outta my way (meters need to match all verses)
It's been three long weeks since I last saw my baby
(Yeah,) I can hardly wait
But a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

VERSE 2

I'm a travelin' man I love life on the road
But love my baby, too
Without a good woman, the nights sure get cold
Leavin' is hard to do
But just a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

BRIDGE

Runnin' on empty
Gettin' by on fumes
No stoppin' me now]
Gonna be there soon

VERSE 3

A big juicy steak with a kiss on the side
(That's what's) waiting for me
A cold glass of beer and a tight pair of jeans
How lucky can I be?
Just a few more miles of East Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, Honey
Next right

This is a cute country song that could be commercial. Good job!

3rd Place Winner

OF WIVES AND MEN by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD

Lots of songs have been written with this theme but you did craft a good
song.

VERSE 1

Laughter was our best medicine
Through sickness and in health
Now she's just sick of me
She's laughing with someone else

VERSE 2

We came a long way (together)
But now she's gone too far
Am I the last man on earth (she wanted instead of on earth)
Or just the last drunk at the bar

CHORUS

Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and of(leave"of" out here) lovers and friends
You love and you learn and life says when
(the best laid plans just fall apart
And cause the breaking of lover's hearts) These 2 lines are better
Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and lovers and friends
Of wives and men and lovers and friends (Leave this line out)
Sometimes the best place to start over is at the very end (shorten this line)

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out altogether. How many men named Billy
Ray are there!) And the meters don't match.

Someone happened
Somewhere along the way
His first name was Billy
His last name was Ray

VERSE 4

Guess all our fights kept adding up
I was never good at math
But how did my best friend
Fall in love with my better half

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

The future's not what it used to be
The future's not what it used to be (instead say We never know what's in
store)
One thing is for sure
The future's not what it used to be...anymore

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

This is a poignant song with a good message. It's a little wordy and I would
try shortening some of the lines without losing the story.