Winter/Spring 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

FINALISTS

The Rider by David McElhinney
Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto
We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker

First Place

The Rider by David McElhinney

This is a very good folk song that reminds me of the old song "Ghost Riders in the Sky". It's a little too long but it tells a good story.

VERSE 1
Alone on the plains, during some real tough days
The widow and her son were trying to make their way
When them bandits showed up, they terrorized those two
Took all their money, their cattle and their food

As they rode off, the boy screamed in a voice like thunder
You'll be sorry come sunset cause you'll all be six feet under
The Rider will come, you just wait and see
Fore morning comes, you'll wish you'd listened to me

He's tall in the saddle, and he has red eyes
Rides a black stallion that's twenty hands high
Shoots golden bullets out of his pistols from hell
The stink of brimstone is all you'll smell

You'll be punished for all the things you stole
The Rider will see that you pay with your soul
Get your affairs in order and get ready for a fight
Cause a reckoning is coming and it's coming tonight

CHORUS
Now the Rider weren't nothing but a campfire tale
Told to boys by men who had too much ale
Bout how he was once a lonely miner slain for his gold
Now he righted wrong is how the story was told

VERSE 2
Now these young thieves had each lived an unruly life
Mean as rattlesnakes, they caused misery and strife
But that very evening, with the moon out of sight
The Rider found their camp, it wasn't much of a fight

He appeared all in black through the midnight plume
And each and every man knew he would seal their doom
They emptied their guns into his body and head
But the Rider stood tall, never winced or bled

He laughed with fury, sending a chill up their spines
His sinister cackle telling them they'd run out of time
The Rider drew and fired, cutting those men to shreds
Then he vanished before the last was dead

Now each bandit was rich with carcasses full of gold
Lot of good it did em' cause now they were cold
Vultures descended on them, like angry bats from hell
Picked their bones clean, 'cept for them golden shells

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
That next morning when the widow got out of bed
Battered and bruised, is how the story was said
Moved slow across the room, her wounds still raw
She looked our the window, couldn't believe what she saw

In the corral, all her cattle was back
Plus six new horses with saddles and tack
Her son ran outside to inspect the herd
He knew the Rider played the part of shepherd (He knew that the Rider always kept his word)

There was also a satchel, full of gold
Enough to sustain them until they was old
There was a note written in blood on the side of that sack (leave out "there was")
It read live right, do good or I'll be back

You won't see tomorrow if the Rider appears
He is the sum of all your worst fears
If you do wrong, you'll meet him, guaranteed
In the frontier, he is the only law you need

See if you can trim it some and still keep the story intact. Also, make sure the meters match up


SECOND PLACE

This is very cleverly written and sure is apropo for today. It sounds like a musical comedy song or perhaps a semi-rapp song. It's a little long...I'd be curious to hear the music to this one

We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker ASCAP, Copyright 2009

The Eddie Becker Band / www.eddiebeckerband.com

We are the banksters, the original gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the old world gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

It ain’t that hard to understand what we do
We go into your country and create a coup
We create the crisis then become your savior
Nobody in the world understands our behavior

We hide it in symbols, hide it in our words
Read the fine print, it’s not that absurd
It’s a pyramid you know and we’re on the top
We’re gonna steal everything and we just can’t stop

We grab all the silver, steal all the gold
We’ll take everything that you want to hold
We’ll take your house and all of your land
Steal all the water and leave you sand

We are the banksters, the Wall Street gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the Federal Reserve gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

Making money out of air as much as we need
Air is cheap and we got a lot of greed
We’ll fix that though just as sure as you breathe
A big fat tax just to make you seethe

Taxation and inflation are both the same
We just jack up the payments, it’s all in the game
Carbon and the Earth are the next big bubble
Profits will soar and our money will double

We steal all the assets, leverage all our bets
What we leave in our wake is a mountain of debts
We buy all the roads, buy all the ports
Move in our troops and harden all our forts

We are the banksters, the World Bank gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the global pranksters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

We meet each year, deep in the woods
Plot how to steal all the rest of your goods
It’s a secret you know, out in full view
And we pay off the Government so they’re part of our crew

We’re going to crash the economy and steal all your wealth
Make new foods that’ll ruin your heath
We’ll take away your car so you can’t go far
Then repossess your home in the name of the Czar

It’s order out of chaos, we create the change
We’ll take that too, we got no shame
There ain’t nothing that’s sacred, it’s all in the game
We’ll do the dirty under anybody’s name

We are the lenders, the changers, the central banks
And we collect our dues with guns and tanks
The banksters, the gangsters, bringing you change
To America the beautiful, yeah, home on the range

VAMP OUT

We are the banksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
The original gangsters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Black Magic pranksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Bringing you the New World…. Yeah, Financial… Disorder
Suckers

THIRD PLACE

Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto

VERSE 1
(This verse is just 4 lines, the other verses are 8 lines. Maybe this could be a lead-in bridge. Otherwise the verses have to match in number of lines)
Seems like when things start to go well
Something always gets in the way
Sometimes I wish for once
It could just be my day

CHORUS
It may sound selfish
But everyone has their moments
(Leave these first 2 lines off)
I wanna live my dream
And live life to it's fullest
I wanna be all I can be
And(leave off And) see all I can see
Make everyone wonder
Why they aren't living life like me
Just for one day!

VERSE 2
Living in someone's shadow
Tends to be my specialty
I get lost in the darkness
But the light finds me occasionally
Stepping out of my comfort zone
Those notice all around me (this doesn't make sense. Don't you mean "those all around me notice")
But my own unique self (Leave off But)
Is what I want others to see. (rewrite these last 2 lines to make it clearer)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
Overcoming my fears
Over powering my thoughts
Overreaching my goals
Which no one had fought (doesn't make sense)
I am becoming myself
No longer lost and confused
Life is gliding real smoothly ("I've gotten so much stronger" is a better line)
And I'm no longer feeling used

CHORUS
(This is a little different than the original chorus. I get what you're trying to do but the choruses should stay the same. Maybe make a bridge that explains his or her makeover)
It's no longer selfish
Everyone has their moments
(Leave out first 2 lines)
I'm living my dream
And living life to it's fullest
I'm being all I can be
And seeing all I can see
Making everyone wonder
Why aren't they living their life like me
One day and all eternity

This song leaves a lot of unanswered questions such as, what happened to make the singer come out of the shadows? It needs a story line because no singer would want to identify with this song. Write it in 3rd person and tell a story about how introverted that person was until she (he) discovered a talent and climbed out of obscurity. As it's written now, it just isn't commercial.

Fall 2008 Lyric Contest

SEMIFINALISTS

Concrete Cowboys by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Drops of Water On The Glass Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Time Will Only Tell by Beth Scivally, Ovilla, Tx
What Was Left I Paid The Lawyers by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE


DSA President, Steve Sullivan, presents Roger Russell with a certificate and check for his winning song, "Concert Cowboys" .


CONCRETE COWBOYS
I'm assuming this is a song about city slickers looking for fun and ladies in country bars. I'll critique as I type the song.

VERSE
We'll put on our western suits
And shine up our cowboy boots
Drive around in my old truck
Trying to tempt old lady luck

Might round up a honey tonight

CHORUS
We are concrete cowboys
Driving my old pickup truck
Driving down the concrete trail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight
(there are no rhymes in this chorus.Perhaps something like this:
We are concrete cowboys
Driving down the concrete trail
Looking for fun and ladies
Sure not wanting to fail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight)

VERSE
We go to the same old corral
Looking for a honky-tonk gal
Trying to cut one from the herd
Ov'r music try'n to be heard

Might rope us a honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
We show up night after night
Keeping the prize in our sight
Looking at the same old stock
Always watching that old clock
(A better line would be "While sipping our water and scotch")

Might lasso some honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
We'll make the same circle (rounds)
And saddle up to a table (Checking the place like smart bloodhounds)
Go for the eight second ride(Want to find a gal that's cool)
Take all the bruises in stride (Without acting like a fool)

Fall off (Might win us) a honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS


SECOND PLACE

DROPS OF WATER ON THE GLASS
This song has potential but it's too long with too many verses. The writer needs to get to the heart of the
story.

VERSE
She met him when they were young
(And) fell in love at first sight
They had to be together
Not caring what was wrong or right

(this verse doesn't add to the story)
The day came when they were married
Promised until death they would depart
Would try to raise a family
Not knowing where they would start
(Instead give info that leads to the chorus like this.
(They married and had a son
Theirs was a loving familyhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
But at eighteen he left home
To join the Army's infantry)

CHORUS
She sees drops of water falling
Running down the window glass
When she sees the car he's in
As his car begins to pass
Drops not of falling rain
But tears she can't restrain
(This chorus left me confused. Where was she when she saw his car pass? In another car? I'm guessing this was a funeral procession but it's not clear. Give us details and let the listeners feel her pain.

VERSE
(These next two verses aren't needed at all. They add nothing to the story)
Days turned to months and months into years
Times had changed but their loving still remained
Each day they grew together
Through problems where love was strained

They had a child though separate by time of war
They did the bet that they could do
To raise their child in a house of love
They were there for him through the years he grew

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
The day fell upon them when their son would leave
Their son went to fight a war
A war where he would not return
They needed one another even more that they did before
(This verse is too wordy and not conversational. This is better
So their son went to fight a war (or in Iraq)
But he would not come back
He would get the purple heart
For bravery under attack)

(You don't need this next verse. End the song with the chorus)
Life had blessed them with other children to love
The others never replaced their son
But they loved them as they did
They were still a family, even minus one

(I chose this song only because of the story and it's potential. But this writer need to write more conversationally and with better imagery. Meters need to match and if she or he wants to improve, join a songwriting organization, go to seminars and read a book on lyric writing)

THIRD PLACE

TIME WILL ONLY TELL
(Thousands of songs have been written on this same subject. To make a song stand out, you have to put a new spin on it. This song is pretty generic. I will critique as I type the song)

VERSE
There is a reason (On that spring day) I met you
You brought a smile instantly(leave out instantly) to my face
I fell in love with you so quickly
I knew everything was going to be okay
(I knew this love would not erase)
(Where are the rhymes?)

You said you'd take care of me (care for me) forever
With all the love in your heart
I believed in you so much, baby
(And I believed you spoke the truth)
So I thought we'd never part (Pretty cliche)

CHORUS
Time will only tell, baby
If we have another chance
Time will only tell
If God changes the circumstances
Time will only tell
If you'll call me your baby...
again

VERSE
My heart hurts now more than ever
My eyes burn up with tears
I thought we would be together
For the rest of all our years

(Don't need this next verse)
Being apart is so hard
But I will try to be strong
I want more than anything
To be held again in your arms

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
For now I hold on to hope
That we will be alright
And our paths will cross again
And we'll dance into the night

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG
For now I'll hold on to hope
And we'll dance into the night

HONORABLE MENTION

WHAT WAS LEFT I PAID THE LAWYERS
This could be a really cute song but it is much too long and wordy. Keep your sentences shorter in the verses and get to a clever chorus. The chorus could be better such as:
Our emotions ran the course
We paid the price of divorce
I got the bills, she got the rest
I paid the lawyers with what was left-