SUMMER 2009 WINNERS

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

The song structure was good but I felt the content of the song was bland and generic.
Since there are thousands of love songs written, a song really needs to have a 'fresh approach" to become commercial. I'll critique as I write.

YOU WOULD LOVE ME SO RIGHT by Andre Kerek Here is a link to the complete song with melody posted on Broadjam.com Once your on the page you'll need to click on the song title. http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=30620#

VERSE 1
You know my mood when we touch
And read my mind way too much
I can't see how it would be
If you weren't here to live with me

CHORUS
Who would I find who is sincere
Someone who would always be here
Keeping me warm into the night
Who would love me so right
You would love me so right

VERSE 2
When times get tough and seem the worst
And I need help, you're there first
You make me lie down next to you (You're next to me when things go wrong)
And bring me up with all that you do (Cause your love for me is so strong)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out because it says nothing new)
When I'm in pain, you have the cure
And know how much I can endure
You lead me to the right path
So I won't catch somebody's wrath

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
Looking back thru all the years
We had good times and some tears
This may not sound like a big deal (Just want you to know how I feel)
Just wanted you to know how I feel (Cause to me it is a big deal)

REPEAT CHORUS


SECOND PLACE

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL by Paul Zander

(I chose this song because of it's catchy title. It could be a good song if written with more conversational lines and less vagueness)

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL

VERSE 1
She's got some magic and she's more than able
To mesmerize and break your certain gaze
He thinks of love in rhyme and storied fables
From his collective and unconscious days

MY VERSION
She was his Cinderella on their wedding day
But marriage is not a fairy tale
His expectations of her were too high
When he lifted her bridal veil

CHORUS (I would switch the 3 line chorus, putting the "She's a woman" chorus at the top)
(Put this at bottom)
She's not some pretty maiden
No Galatea waiting
She was born to rise and fall (find a better line)

(Put at top)
She's a woman
She's just a woman
Cinderella not at all

VERSE 2
Between the battles and that sweet devotion
Sometimes love feels just like a twice-told tale
Can she survive these Grimm and fabled notions
Can she remain the Princess underneath that bridal veil

MY VERSION
Sometimes the glass slipper doesn't fit
And the magic spell is broken
Between her and her Prince Charming
When hurtful words are spoken

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE? (A bridge is usually not 7 lines long. Why not have a 2 line bridge and a 4th verse)
She wants to be his muse
But she don't know what to do
And she has her own tale to be told
Then something quite alarming
He used to be Prince Charming
Now that spell is broken
Cast down by words unspoken
(I'm sorry, but this bridge made no sense to me whatsoever. What's her problem and what did he do?
I thought this song was about his high expectations of her and she couldn't live up to them. Be specific!)

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

EVERYTHING AND YOUby Andre Kerek
This is a well written song but so sad. There was another song written on the same subject a few years ago. I just remember in the chorus it said I'll go sky diving.

Spring 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

1. Waitress In An All Night Diner by Michael Hollingsworth, LA, CA
2. Gas Food & Lovin' Next Right by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, TX
3. Of Wives & Men by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD
HM It's So Good To Have You Home by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

First Place

WAITRESS IN AN ALL NIGHT DINNER by Michael Hollingsworth

(I'll critique as I type the song. This song has a lot of good
images but I think it would be better if written in 3rd person instead of 1st.
Some singers might not want to be identified as a waitress)

VERSE 1

I's four o'clock in the morning
Time to lipstick my (her) smile
Get the coffee up and perking
I (she) hopes this rain stops in a while
Soon the bacon will be frying
As the trucks come roarin' in
I'll (she'll) tell the boys a joke or two
Just to get them to grin

CHORUS

'Cause I'm (she's) the waitress
In the all night diner
Making tips from the truckers and the miners
I'd (she'd) like to somehow change my (her) life
Be someone's mother, someone's wife
But until the day I (she) do (does)
What can I (she) get for you

VERSE 2

The sun breaks through the rain drops
As the boys start filin' in
Wanting biscuits and gravy
Served by the gal they call a friend
I (she) knows the names of their children
Sweethearts and their wives
They send me (her) cards on my (her) Birthday
Like I'm (she's) part of their lives


REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would make this a bridge because the meters don't match the first
2 verses and you could change it musically)

Oh, my(her) feet ache
And there's the heartbreak
From some old love affair
That showed me (her) love ain't so true (that don't end happily or happier)I
like this line better
Oh, the night's so cold and I (she) feels old
Cause no one's holding me(her)
(I would leave out the next two lines)
There's more to life than working
I'm (she's) a woman who needs holding too

REPEAT CHORUS

2nd Place Winner

GAS, FOOD AND LOVIN' - NEXT RIGHT by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx

I will critique as I type. First of all, I would change the title to Good
Food, Good Lovin' - Next Right. The word GAS isn't relevant to the
story...He's in a hurry to get home and doesn't stop for gas. Also the lines
containing the title should be changed to the new title.


VERSE 1

The sun went (sun's gone) down and I'm roaring down the highway
(So please) Get outta my way (meters need to match all verses)
It's been three long weeks since I last saw my baby
(Yeah,) I can hardly wait
But a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

VERSE 2

I'm a travelin' man I love life on the road
But love my baby, too
Without a good woman, the nights sure get cold
Leavin' is hard to do
But just a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

BRIDGE

Runnin' on empty
Gettin' by on fumes
No stoppin' me now]
Gonna be there soon

VERSE 3

A big juicy steak with a kiss on the side
(That's what's) waiting for me
A cold glass of beer and a tight pair of jeans
How lucky can I be?
Just a few more miles of East Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, Honey
Next right

This is a cute country song that could be commercial. Good job!

3rd Place Winner

OF WIVES AND MEN by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD

Lots of songs have been written with this theme but you did craft a good
song.

VERSE 1

Laughter was our best medicine
Through sickness and in health
Now she's just sick of me
She's laughing with someone else

VERSE 2

We came a long way (together)
But now she's gone too far
Am I the last man on earth (she wanted instead of on earth)
Or just the last drunk at the bar

CHORUS

Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and of(leave"of" out here) lovers and friends
You love and you learn and life says when
(the best laid plans just fall apart
And cause the breaking of lover's hearts) These 2 lines are better
Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and lovers and friends
Of wives and men and lovers and friends (Leave this line out)
Sometimes the best place to start over is at the very end (shorten this line)

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out altogether. How many men named Billy
Ray are there!) And the meters don't match.

Someone happened
Somewhere along the way
His first name was Billy
His last name was Ray

VERSE 4

Guess all our fights kept adding up
I was never good at math
But how did my best friend
Fall in love with my better half

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

The future's not what it used to be
The future's not what it used to be (instead say We never know what's in
store)
One thing is for sure
The future's not what it used to be...anymore

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

This is a poignant song with a good message. It's a little wordy and I would
try shortening some of the lines without losing the story.