SUMMER 2009 WINNERS

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

The song structure was good but I felt the content of the song was bland and generic.
Since there are thousands of love songs written, a song really needs to have a 'fresh approach" to become commercial. I'll critique as I write.

YOU WOULD LOVE ME SO RIGHT by Andre Kerek Here is a link to the complete song with melody posted on Broadjam.com Once your on the page you'll need to click on the song title. http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=30620#

VERSE 1
You know my mood when we touch
And read my mind way too much
I can't see how it would be
If you weren't here to live with me

CHORUS
Who would I find who is sincere
Someone who would always be here
Keeping me warm into the night
Who would love me so right
You would love me so right

VERSE 2
When times get tough and seem the worst
And I need help, you're there first
You make me lie down next to you (You're next to me when things go wrong)
And bring me up with all that you do (Cause your love for me is so strong)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out because it says nothing new)
When I'm in pain, you have the cure
And know how much I can endure
You lead me to the right path
So I won't catch somebody's wrath

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
Looking back thru all the years
We had good times and some tears
This may not sound like a big deal (Just want you to know how I feel)
Just wanted you to know how I feel (Cause to me it is a big deal)

REPEAT CHORUS


SECOND PLACE

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL by Paul Zander

(I chose this song because of it's catchy title. It could be a good song if written with more conversational lines and less vagueness)

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL

VERSE 1
She's got some magic and she's more than able
To mesmerize and break your certain gaze
He thinks of love in rhyme and storied fables
From his collective and unconscious days

MY VERSION
She was his Cinderella on their wedding day
But marriage is not a fairy tale
His expectations of her were too high
When he lifted her bridal veil

CHORUS (I would switch the 3 line chorus, putting the "She's a woman" chorus at the top)
(Put this at bottom)
She's not some pretty maiden
No Galatea waiting
She was born to rise and fall (find a better line)

(Put at top)
She's a woman
She's just a woman
Cinderella not at all

VERSE 2
Between the battles and that sweet devotion
Sometimes love feels just like a twice-told tale
Can she survive these Grimm and fabled notions
Can she remain the Princess underneath that bridal veil

MY VERSION
Sometimes the glass slipper doesn't fit
And the magic spell is broken
Between her and her Prince Charming
When hurtful words are spoken

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE? (A bridge is usually not 7 lines long. Why not have a 2 line bridge and a 4th verse)
She wants to be his muse
But she don't know what to do
And she has her own tale to be told
Then something quite alarming
He used to be Prince Charming
Now that spell is broken
Cast down by words unspoken
(I'm sorry, but this bridge made no sense to me whatsoever. What's her problem and what did he do?
I thought this song was about his high expectations of her and she couldn't live up to them. Be specific!)

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

EVERYTHING AND YOUby Andre Kerek
This is a well written song but so sad. There was another song written on the same subject a few years ago. I just remember in the chorus it said I'll go sky diving.

Winter/Spring 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

FINALISTS

The Rider by David McElhinney
Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto
We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker

First Place

The Rider by David McElhinney

This is a very good folk song that reminds me of the old song "Ghost Riders in the Sky". It's a little too long but it tells a good story.

VERSE 1
Alone on the plains, during some real tough days
The widow and her son were trying to make their way
When them bandits showed up, they terrorized those two
Took all their money, their cattle and their food

As they rode off, the boy screamed in a voice like thunder
You'll be sorry come sunset cause you'll all be six feet under
The Rider will come, you just wait and see
Fore morning comes, you'll wish you'd listened to me

He's tall in the saddle, and he has red eyes
Rides a black stallion that's twenty hands high
Shoots golden bullets out of his pistols from hell
The stink of brimstone is all you'll smell

You'll be punished for all the things you stole
The Rider will see that you pay with your soul
Get your affairs in order and get ready for a fight
Cause a reckoning is coming and it's coming tonight

CHORUS
Now the Rider weren't nothing but a campfire tale
Told to boys by men who had too much ale
Bout how he was once a lonely miner slain for his gold
Now he righted wrong is how the story was told

VERSE 2
Now these young thieves had each lived an unruly life
Mean as rattlesnakes, they caused misery and strife
But that very evening, with the moon out of sight
The Rider found their camp, it wasn't much of a fight

He appeared all in black through the midnight plume
And each and every man knew he would seal their doom
They emptied their guns into his body and head
But the Rider stood tall, never winced or bled

He laughed with fury, sending a chill up their spines
His sinister cackle telling them they'd run out of time
The Rider drew and fired, cutting those men to shreds
Then he vanished before the last was dead

Now each bandit was rich with carcasses full of gold
Lot of good it did em' cause now they were cold
Vultures descended on them, like angry bats from hell
Picked their bones clean, 'cept for them golden shells

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
That next morning when the widow got out of bed
Battered and bruised, is how the story was said
Moved slow across the room, her wounds still raw
She looked our the window, couldn't believe what she saw

In the corral, all her cattle was back
Plus six new horses with saddles and tack
Her son ran outside to inspect the herd
He knew the Rider played the part of shepherd (He knew that the Rider always kept his word)

There was also a satchel, full of gold
Enough to sustain them until they was old
There was a note written in blood on the side of that sack (leave out "there was")
It read live right, do good or I'll be back

You won't see tomorrow if the Rider appears
He is the sum of all your worst fears
If you do wrong, you'll meet him, guaranteed
In the frontier, he is the only law you need

See if you can trim it some and still keep the story intact. Also, make sure the meters match up


SECOND PLACE

This is very cleverly written and sure is apropo for today. It sounds like a musical comedy song or perhaps a semi-rapp song. It's a little long...I'd be curious to hear the music to this one

We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker ASCAP, Copyright 2009

The Eddie Becker Band / www.eddiebeckerband.com

We are the banksters, the original gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the old world gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

It ain’t that hard to understand what we do
We go into your country and create a coup
We create the crisis then become your savior
Nobody in the world understands our behavior

We hide it in symbols, hide it in our words
Read the fine print, it’s not that absurd
It’s a pyramid you know and we’re on the top
We’re gonna steal everything and we just can’t stop

We grab all the silver, steal all the gold
We’ll take everything that you want to hold
We’ll take your house and all of your land
Steal all the water and leave you sand

We are the banksters, the Wall Street gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the Federal Reserve gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

Making money out of air as much as we need
Air is cheap and we got a lot of greed
We’ll fix that though just as sure as you breathe
A big fat tax just to make you seethe

Taxation and inflation are both the same
We just jack up the payments, it’s all in the game
Carbon and the Earth are the next big bubble
Profits will soar and our money will double

We steal all the assets, leverage all our bets
What we leave in our wake is a mountain of debts
We buy all the roads, buy all the ports
Move in our troops and harden all our forts

We are the banksters, the World Bank gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the global pranksters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

We meet each year, deep in the woods
Plot how to steal all the rest of your goods
It’s a secret you know, out in full view
And we pay off the Government so they’re part of our crew

We’re going to crash the economy and steal all your wealth
Make new foods that’ll ruin your heath
We’ll take away your car so you can’t go far
Then repossess your home in the name of the Czar

It’s order out of chaos, we create the change
We’ll take that too, we got no shame
There ain’t nothing that’s sacred, it’s all in the game
We’ll do the dirty under anybody’s name

We are the lenders, the changers, the central banks
And we collect our dues with guns and tanks
The banksters, the gangsters, bringing you change
To America the beautiful, yeah, home on the range

VAMP OUT

We are the banksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
The original gangsters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Black Magic pranksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Bringing you the New World…. Yeah, Financial… Disorder
Suckers

THIRD PLACE

Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto

VERSE 1
(This verse is just 4 lines, the other verses are 8 lines. Maybe this could be a lead-in bridge. Otherwise the verses have to match in number of lines)
Seems like when things start to go well
Something always gets in the way
Sometimes I wish for once
It could just be my day

CHORUS
It may sound selfish
But everyone has their moments
(Leave these first 2 lines off)
I wanna live my dream
And live life to it's fullest
I wanna be all I can be
And(leave off And) see all I can see
Make everyone wonder
Why they aren't living life like me
Just for one day!

VERSE 2
Living in someone's shadow
Tends to be my specialty
I get lost in the darkness
But the light finds me occasionally
Stepping out of my comfort zone
Those notice all around me (this doesn't make sense. Don't you mean "those all around me notice")
But my own unique self (Leave off But)
Is what I want others to see. (rewrite these last 2 lines to make it clearer)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
Overcoming my fears
Over powering my thoughts
Overreaching my goals
Which no one had fought (doesn't make sense)
I am becoming myself
No longer lost and confused
Life is gliding real smoothly ("I've gotten so much stronger" is a better line)
And I'm no longer feeling used

CHORUS
(This is a little different than the original chorus. I get what you're trying to do but the choruses should stay the same. Maybe make a bridge that explains his or her makeover)
It's no longer selfish
Everyone has their moments
(Leave out first 2 lines)
I'm living my dream
And living life to it's fullest
I'm being all I can be
And seeing all I can see
Making everyone wonder
Why aren't they living their life like me
One day and all eternity

This song leaves a lot of unanswered questions such as, what happened to make the singer come out of the shadows? It needs a story line because no singer would want to identify with this song. Write it in 3rd person and tell a story about how introverted that person was until she (he) discovered a talent and climbed out of obscurity. As it's written now, it just isn't commercial.